To whom it may concern...

This is a sort of "random bullet" post whose purpose is to vent to an audience who will never read it. That intended audience is anyone who has ever written or will ever write a letter of recommendation for an ABD job candidate in the humanities.

• Please, for the love of all you might hold sacred, do not open your letter to the search committee with that old chestnut, "This is not going to be the typical letter of recommendation in favor of a potential candidate." Although I know you are sincere in your praise of almost-Dr.-Suzy Twinkletoes, your writing that sentence (or some variation of it) makes me anticipate some actual, radical departure from the typical rec letter, like, say, a link to a YouTube video of you praising the candidate through the medium of interpretive dance. That would be totally cool. Instead, as inevitably happens, your letter does turn out to be the typical rec letter, and I become super disappointed in you and your candidate, because you have led me on.
• If possible, avoid damning with faint praise. Or at least avoid damning with faint praise for two single spaced pages--what I mean is, keep the damning brief. (And by "damning with faint praise" I mean tactics such as going on for two paragraphs about how the candidate has really mastered the art of showing up for office hours.) I mean, I'm a rhetorician, and I know the tricks. If you can't write a glowing letter, try to weasel your way out of writing one at all.
• I vomit instantly when I hear/read the phrase "best practices"--just an fyi.
• If you have not witnessed this person's teaching abilities, don't turn the lack of observation into a red herring--such as, "I have not had the opportunity to witness Mike B. Pretentious's teaching. However, I am sure that, based on...." Um, no--stop right there. Do not pass go--for all you know, the dude could be turning his classes into devil-worshipping workshops (albeit ones that use "best practices"). Assume nothing.
• When referring to the candidate's dissertation work, please do not speak of "exploding binaries," "counterhegemonic agendas," and "shifting paradigms." Because, um, although you think what your protege is doing is going to change life as we know it, I've just read 28 other letters that attested to those candidates' plan to shift, explode, and agenda the crud out of the next guy/girl. Maybe you guys should get together and talk and have some big counter-hegemonic tupperware party.

This has been a public service announcement from a concerned rhetorician.